::distort:: / Saturday, March 31, 2007
i do everything for a reason. and why i only have friends invite now, is because i can't take hurt. and sometimes, its just better private and sharing it more with my best friends.
sometimes, i look inside the mirror, and i feel so distorted. am i? is the mirror actually reflecting who i am? because i don't like what i see? WHAT AM I? i various-faces-too-sensitive freak? people hate me, and i don't know if i should blame them or not.
what can i do, if i'm just being myself and you people can't stand it. people hate me. and i don't know why. i've been trying hard to fit in [whatever reason why i cannot fit in this year] but i don't know what annoys them.
am i seriously annoying or just plain dumb. both. i can't act smart, because then you people would think i'mjust trying to act smart-alec so i keep quiet [since nothing is appreciated]. and because i keep quiet, you people think that i'm that non-contributing freak. who's blerdy dumb.
what can i do??
i help you out, and you say i'm just being extra. and if i don't help you because i don't hear any thank you, you say i'm rude and hard-hearted. what do you want me to do? i can't be perfect. nobody can, i try hard to compromise and let my actions be taken-well. but what can i do if you all misread it? if you all see it from another view, is it my fault that i did not convey the message well or is it that you people read too deep?
you think whatever i do is for my own selfish desire?!i've been trying to put the hard feelings aside, and yes, apparently i did. i don't bitchfest about any of them anymore.
forgive and forget, motto of the year. but then...i get hurt. because i forgive them, i don't bear hard feelings, once they start talking about me, i get hurt.
because seriously, i'm just trying to be well-liked. i just need you all to at least like me a little bit. am i that bad? am i really annoying? can you all tell me? because i can't take it anymore. i've been holding it inside me for the first 3-4 months, just asking myself why things started off so badly.
comforting myself that it would change for the better. have faith, ryl. have faith. why do people hate other people so much. why must they have subjective opinions on them. and without evidence? people just go, i don't like that girl. she's so stuck-up.
i mean really, if you have given her a chance, maybe she'll be nicer. don't lie. why?
why?
why am i like that? am i really irritating? why, if so many people hate me, what's the use of being on earth, where you aren't appreciated at all?everyday i wear a mask over my face. sometimes this face is vieled. the mask: on it wears a fake smile. i smile so much till my cheeks age. the smile is fake. and the veil, is to hide me -so that no-one can find me.
sometimes i wish i was born with no gene of hurt and sadness, it does too much damage to your sould. and you always wishh you could die. maybe you already had, the world and yourself crumbling into pieces..and sometimes, you wish your heart was made of steel. armour protecting it against hurt and pain. so that no piercing words like needles would prick you. so that you would bleed...
to death.goodbye cruel world. i have enough already. just stop, alright.
/ihopped at
4:33 AM
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